Friday, February 8, 2013

Star Trek - Where Many People Have Gone Before

And so we come to the end (but not quite the end end, stay tuned).  Let us say goodbye to Captains Kirk and Picard, and Spock, and Uhura, and all of those people in the Next Generation cast who I've already forgot, by brutally ranking them.

Film Rankings:

Star Trek VI
Star Trek II
Star Trek
Star Trek IV
Star Trek: First Contact
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Star Trek: Nemesis
Star Trek III
Star Trek: Generations
Star Trek: Insurrection
Star Trek V

Villain Rankings:

Khan, Star Trek II
General Chang, Star Trek VI
Giant Space Cylinder, Star Trek IV
Borg Queen, Star Trek: First Contact
V'ger, Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Commander Kruge, Star Trek III
Tolian Soran, Star Trek: Generations
Nero: Star Trek
Shinzon, Star Trek: Nemesis
Ru'afo, Star Trek: Insurrection
Sybok, Star Trek V

Favorite action scene - the Enterprise and the Reliant pursue each other through the Mutara Nebula, Star Trek II

Worst action scene, normal version - Kirk kicks Kruge into a volcano, Star Trek III

Worst action scene, Shatner can't figure out a budget version - The Rock Monsters are replaced with a big head that shoots lightning bolts out of its eyes, Star Trek V

Worst use of old cast members - Nimoy and Kelley turn them down so the producers of the film move lower on their contact list and go with Doohan and Koenig, Star Trek: Generations

Best use of old cast members - The producers ask Nimoy to appear and tell Shatner to go fuck himself, Star Trek

Best use of scenery - Present day San Francisco in all its 80's glory, Star Trek IV

Worst use of scenery - Awful backlot sets stand in for the Genesis Planet, Star Trek III 

Favorite homage to Gene Roddenberry's somewhat shallow world-view - The Enterprise crew saves the whales, Star Trek IV

Worst homage to Gene Roddenberry's somewhat shallow world-view - Sybok takes away your "pain" and then you are under his command, Star Trek V

Swankiest Enterprise that is confined to the films - The glowy Enterprise-E, Star Treks First Contact, Insurrection and Nemesis.

Ugliest Enterprise that is confined to the films - The dumpy Enterprise-B, Star Trek: Generations

Best use of make-up - All those crazy Borg designs, Star Trek: First Contact

Worst use of make-up - The awful face stretching procedure that the Son'a undergo, Star Trek: Insurrection

I Am Too Big Of A Star For Make-Up - Christopher Plummer is only barely a Klingon, Star Trek VI

It's Ladies Night For A Change - Zoe Saldana brings a bit of real edge to Uhura, Star Trek

But Women Drivers Are The Worst - Counselor Troi takes the helm and immediately crashes the Enterprise on to a planet, Star Trek: Generations

Bronze medal, worst singing scene - Data sings Gilbert and Sullivan, Star Trek: Insurrection
Silver medal, worst singing scene - Data sings the "lifeforms" song, Star Trek: Generations
Gold medal, worst singing scene - Kirk and Bones force Spock into galaxy's most depressing campfire sing-a-long, Star Trek V

The Star Turn - Ricardo Montalban gives his career defining performance, Star Trek II

Not Quite Ready For Stardom - Tom Hardy is much more petulant than menacing, Star Trek: Nemesis

Can See A Star By Looking Up At The Night Sky - Laurence Luckenbill takes up physical space, Star Trek V

Best use of time travel - The cast experiences wacky misadventures in 80's era San Francisco, Star Trek IV

Worst use of time travel - The Borg travels through time for some reason and the Enterprise follows them, Star Trek: First Contact

Unlikeliest Kirk romantic subplot - Shatner's unseen "love of his life" that he had supposedly secretly been pining for for years, Star Trek: Generations

Likeliest Kirk romantic subplot - Kirk makes googly eyes at the Enterprise, Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Can Never Be Unseen Memorial Award - Uhura's fan dance, Star Trek V

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